Lately I’ve been living my life with a this-could-be-the-last-time-I-do-this mentality and I think I’ll continue that. I like the view from this perspective.
2013 has been an incredibly difficult year for me. With a little over a month left, I can’t say I won’t be happy to see it go, but tonight I took a moment to reflect on how truly grateful I am for this year, despite the hardships. I am thankful for each and every one of my friends - I could tell them this every single day and none of them would quite understand how important they are to me, individually and collectively. Without them, I would have done something drastic - they kept me together when my mind stopped functioning. I am thankful for reality checks, for deep, intellectual conversation, and for people that tolerate my mindless chatter. I am thankful for honesty. I am thankful for my mother, who never questioned the situation, but somehow made me feel like the center of her universe. I am thankful for when I was able to smile on days that I just wanted to cry. I am thankful for the days I got out of bed and convinced myself that being productive would help me to forget about my inner thoughts, if only for a while. I am thankful for the people that told me to get some rest, to eat a proper meal, or to go out and have fun. I am thankful for the times that I listened to them.
Really, 2013 made me want to die. I’m thankful that I didn’t.
Wow, you really are more attractive when you keep your mouth shut. Shit got weird reeeeal fast - I didn’t even know I had a threshold for weird but clearly you have proven me wrong.
I give up when the cards stop adding up. Please explain to me why you’re allowed to play with my emotions, but when I do the same I feel guilty and am often reprimanded for it. I don’t think I’ll fully accept the fact that we are over until I actually see you in person, because there is so much hope there. I know myself enough to know that this isn’t me just being a sappy romantic - I know that we were too good to be over. We didn’t end it for anything but time and our circumstances, both of which got hella in the way. Even if you are pursuing her, and she is doing the same, I know that I’m still in the back of your mind at the end of the day. I know this because when I do the same thing, and I have, I was always thinking of you. I still am. This is our time to experiment and to embark on a journey of self-discovery, and maybe one day we’ll meet again and rekindle whatever the fuck it is that is making me write this in the first place. I won’t hold a grudge if you won’t, but we have unfinished business, whether you or I like it or not.
I went on a date tonight! He opened doors for me, bought my coffee, held my hand, and he didn’t pressure me to do anything but kiss. We went on a walk. He respects his family and I even got to meet them. I learned a lot about him and he drove 20 minutes just to pick me up and drop me off.
I’m a huge fan of this.