I am physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually exhausted.
It feels good.
What’s wrong with me? I feel the intensities that come with death two days before my birthday. I try to forget about my sadness for a night, and I get overwhelmed with unnecessary attention from the people I love. I’ve never understood birthdays. I especially don’t understand celebrating life while simultaneously balancing the acceptance of the end of a physical life. I feel meaningless. You don’t just forget about the death of a friend overnight. While I know it was my choice to go out, I also know that the people that love me and knew my pain should have made an extra effort not to do or say anything that would have triggered ANYTHING that would have (even normally) upset me. I would never treat anyone that way, and that’s not how I expect to be treated either. I have the right to be cared for in this time of sadness, and it surprised me how many people simply can’t push back their own physical desires for a true friend. Again, I feel meaningless, not undervalued. There is a significant difference.
Closure feels good. Hollowness feels good.
I reach for another almond, but I pull away because I know I will choke.
…so why is it so hard to narrow down my options? At least I have options? I should be grateful. I don’t know everything I want, but I do know what I don’t want.
I don’t want to suffocate. I don’t want to trap myself in a permanent position where I will forever be obligated to stay. I do not want to work in a job solely for the money. I don’t want to struggle. I don’t want to limit myself. I don’t want to make mistakes that will hinder the potential for more opportunity. I absolutely do not want to be lonely or depressed. I don’t want to retreat into myself.
I guess if all of that were flipped it would be what I want. I want freedom and happiness. I want to grow upward from positive experiences. I want to be outside. I want to work with my hands, my brain, and my heart. I want to take time if I need it. I want to invest in as many people as possible and carry their stories with me. I want to be there when my best friends get married, and I want them to be there for me when “I do.” I want to be whole, yet I want to leave a piece of myself with as many of those who will take me.
Can’t have it all. Time to run.
I CAN DO ANYTHING I WANT WITH MY LIFE
I want time to wallow in my sadness but I’ll be up until 4am if I do that. Maybe I’ll throw up instead.